Thank You

I look around in the world
seeing everything and nothing

I'll walk down the side of the road
seeking someone or no one

I'll listen to the sounds of life
booming voices and muted noises

...if I ever had reasons for existing,
you would be one of the most important ones

You are the reason I'll never settle for less
You are the reason I'll be more careful with every step
You are the reason I'll be brave in the face of all my fears

You are my everything,
my someone,
the booming voice when I'm alone

Thank you. Always.

Epilogue

Take me back to the place I once knew
The place I call my heaven
Memories of then would hurt and cut me deep today
But it’s worth any sacrifice

I remember a hot, sunny day in July
I held love in my arms and felt like flying
My heart burst through my chest
This feeling, inexplicable

I live in a cold, dark, lonely winter
He is gone and I try holding onto the only day I’ve ever really lived
I now know that I was never meant to have that love forever
That one day, it would inevitably end
But I would give everything I own, everything I possess, for those 24 hours.
-----------------------------------------

This is my last blog, I don't know if anyone'll read it. I figured since I started off with gooey, lovey, mushy stuff... I'd end with the gooey, lovey, mushy stuff.

Thanks for reading my work!

Song that inspired this blog: 'Kiss the Rain' - Yiruma

Empyrean

Empyrean
\em-py-REE-uhn; -PEER-ee-\ , noun;
Heaven; paradise, the sky.

You put your emotions on display
you're blue and happy,
white and opaque,
somber and gray.

Thank you for giving us something to
look up at,
when we can't see who we want to see.

----------------------------------------
Song that inspired this blog: Deepest Blue - Stacie Orrico
"The sun will always shine on you,
you turn my ocean deepest blue"

Conspiracy

Side Note: This entire blog (and even the title) was made up out of song titles coming directly from my iPod. You have no idea how unbelievably difficult it was.








All I have...
All I wanted...
All myself to you.

You
and I,
everything,
I can't give it up.

According to you...
"that girl,
last night,"

"stop,
I should have cheated."

Hands up,
"Too much,
can't believe it."

"Don't go..."

"Excuses.
Don't ask me to stay..."

"Don't say no, say yes!"

"Don't look at me."

"Try--"

"I refuse!
How you gonna tell me--?"

Contemplating.

Hesitation.

So emotional.
First love;
rejected.

"Fuck you!"

"I'll never let you go..."

"Shut up!"

"I only wanted...
I still love you!"

"I wish--"

"Show a little faith.
Stay with me."

"Maybe I won't look back...
Put your arms around me.
Say, 'goodbye.'"

...That's what you get

----------------------------------

No songs this time. I have enough music in the blog itself. Anyone recognize any of the names of the songs?

Me: According to Stacie Orrico

Side Note: I answered a series of questions in song titles, by ONE artist. Can you do that?



Gender: Babygirl


How would you describe yourself?: Genuine

How do you feel?: Don't look at me


Describe where you currently live: Don't ask me to stay


If you could go anywhere, where would you go?: Deepest Blue

Your favorite form of transportation: Bounce back


Your best friend is: Star of my story


You and your best friends are: Everything


What's the weather like?: So simple


Favorite time of day: Beautiful awakening

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called?: Tantrum


What is life to you?: I don't know


Your fear: Without love

What is the best advice you have to give?: Stay true

Thought for the Day: Dear friend

How I would like to die: ...I can't give it up

My soul's present condition: Take me away

My motto: (There's gotta be) more to life
---------------------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: Mr. Radio - Chrisette Michele
"Thank you for your love songs, Mr. Radio."

Unrequited Love

Your eyes are blue and that amazes me.

everywhere I go, I see dull and listless brown. That bores me.

Then again, it could be because my eyes are brown.

I ran into you the other day at the market.

I didn't think you knew I existed.

Our eyes met and we stood silent for many minutes before you told me.

"Your irises are brown and that amazes me.

Everywhere I go, I see a murky, dismal blue. That depresses me.

Then again, it could be because my eyes are blue."

I laughed and held your hand for many minutes.

Our eyes were blinded by things we couldn't see.

You thought I never knew you existed.

---------------------------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'Melt my Heart to Stone' - Adele

"And I hear your words that I made up.

You say my name like there could be an us.

I best tidy up my head, I'm the only one in love.

I'm the only one in love."

Indescribable

helfgskbfksdhfslfghgkjhdsjkfhksjdhfkjhskdjhfkhsdkjfhkjsbjmdb
dfksghdfjnothinggdiinyethisnvbSworldduyseigrbwek.rbnfg
kjdfcouldkjeexplainwior;uy7definenkjdbkjfhkjshd;fg/sldkf
kjedghrp87234riu234krjbwkjebfckjsdbkfjhskdhyiuyhiy97t668t
gwerytgiy3twhat287youhbearegsdfuygsdbhfksgbjgbfjsghdfjh
dhfiwget8rtgeuiytogbfhmesedghrfyheguyrfgjhsdggsdjfgjhsgdf
djfhlwsyegrlygejhfbjhdgfyuwegrfhaebdfjhvseyrfueygfbjadhgbfy

--------------------------------------------------
Song that inspired this blog: You - Jenniffer Kae
"Baby sometimes words get in the way.
They only mean one thing;
All said and done,
and then they're gone."

B

i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm

B is for boredom

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'Longview' - Green Day
"I'm sick of all the same old shit
In a house with unlocked doors
And I'm f*cking lazy"

The Odd Couple

I was walking down the streets and the pavement. I looked up at the people walking toward me. I loved watching people. I made up imaginary stories in my head about them. I looked to my left and saw a man smoking.

'Wait,' I thought. 'Maybe he's a man-child. He doesn't look a day over seventeen.'

He picked up his lighter, cigarette, and started puffing away. I hated smokers. I couldn't stand the stench, the yellow teeth, and the 'cough.' It annoyed me like no tomorrow.

'It's cancer, you stupid bastard! Put it down!' I mentally berated him for his horrid habit. 'Eh, well.' I shrugged. 'Moving on...'



I looked up to my right and saw a couple holding hands. Now this wasn't your ordinary, every day couple. The differences between them were comical.


The man stood tall and lean with a bronzed complexion and dark, almost black hair. He wore a pin-striped business suit. 'Hmm. Not even the slightest wrinkle in the material,' I continued with my mental musings.


The woman, on the other hand, was petite and blond. Her complexion was extremely fair. I thought for a moment that I'd finally come face-to-face with the real-life version of Snow White. She wore hot pink velour track pants and tied up her hair in what I assumed was a poor resemblance of a bun.



They were as different as day and night. Hell, they were day and night. But, as I continued to observe the unlikely duo, I saw that they were very much the same. They still bore matching shit-eating grins and gave each other awestruck gazes, as if they couldn't believe one was standing right in front of the other one. They both snorted when they laughed and they both equally disgusted me.


I found it amusing because these people made up a living, breathing oxymoron. They were differently alike.

'Hmm, I wonder if that's even grammatically correct.'

Yet, the title fitted them. I rolled my eyes and walked away.




--------------------------------------------------------
Song that inspired this blog: 'My Same' - Adele
"You like to be so close, I like to be alone
I like to sit on chairs and you prefer the floor
Walking with each other, think we'll never match at all,
but we do"

Mad Hatter

Frustrated.
I'm so easily frustrated.

I could sit here and quite literally
tear my hair out at the madness in my life.
Nothing has to be so complicated.
It's funny, actually, how life is so simple!
I tend to see only black and white.
It's all there is!

I hear people talking of 'gray matter.'
What's that about?
There is no intertwining, no mixing,
no complicating, only simplifying.

Open your eyes and see this
dull world for what it is!
Straight forward!
Birds fly, fish swim, and
people exist solely to bring my life to hell.

You idiots! Morons!
Dimwitted wastes of energy!
Stop complaining!
Talking about such and such
being too hard to handle...
The only thing that's hard
is to follow through with
the right solution
to your meaningless problems.

See things the way I do.
Black and white.
Simple.
And life won't be
that bitch for you anymore.

-------------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: So Simple - Stacie Orrico
"Take it down, down, down
And strip it to the core
I don't really need much less is more, more, more"

Side Note: Sorry if I offended anyone. I was just trying to channel an incredibly arrogant individual. I've also been trying to teach myself to be less 'complicated' and more 'simple'... because sometimes life really is just black and white.

Pyrrhic Victory

Pyrrhic victory
\PIR-ik\
noun;
1.A victory achieved at great or excessive cost; a ruinous victory.

Side Note: Another attempt at the male persona. However this time, I write in the perspective of (in my eyes) a hero. Also, this is mostly fictional. Be aware.

I stood across from her as the priest read a passage from the Bible, the one that my father had personally chosen for me. She was beautiful. From the first moment I saw her, I knew I would spend the rest of my life with this woman.

As ridiculous as it may sound, I fell in love at first sight. As luck would have it, she was as beautiful on the inside as well as the outside. She was smart, refined, and never missed an opportunity to engage in a friendly debate with me. I loved how she was able to maintain stimulating conversations with me as well as vigorous arguments.

She gave as good as she got... if that's how the saying goes. This woman was everything to me and I gave what I could in return. But she knew I belonged to another. I had already been betrothed.

My heart, my soul, my past and present, belonged to my country and its people. I loved seeing the blooming flowers, the lush, evergreen trees and the nipa huts scattered across the provinces. I loved seeing the smiling faces of the people I worked so hard to save.

My country was imprisoned; caged down like an animal. He claimed to make rules to maintain order in this society. Ha! He made rules to make sure no one could oppose him while he ran away like a child to throw away the hard-earned money he had acquired from the people.

Innocent men were put into prison and for what? Expressing their rights to speak differently? Having different points of view? New ideas? At the end of the day, I knew I would be joining them.

I, too, am imprisoned. I am an honest man and for that, I am enslaved. I love my country with everything that I am. I refuse, and I will continue to refuse until my dying breath, to let this chaos continue for any longer.

'You deserve to be free like the birds in the trees; happy like children playing in the street; and loved like a man and his family.'


I called her one last time before my early morning flight. We both knew what would happen. I would set foot on the island, I would take one breath of its sweet air and I would die. His people would see to it.

I apologized over and over. I had my obligation to fulfill. But I knew the damage I would leave behind. My wife would no longer have her husband and my children would lose their father.

I grieved all of last night. I cried like a newborn child in my bedroom. But my life meant nothing, if I could even make the slightest difference; if I could show the world 'the Filipino is worth dying for.'

It can be a funny coincidence. Bravery felt to me like numbness and denial. I couldn't feel my feet moving to the exit of the plane. Nothing moved in slow motion as it did in the cinema. The last thing I heard in this world were two gun shots.

I did not let out a single tear or cry of pain for my enemy. I only laid on the gravel of the runway and let the darkness overcome me. I prayed for victory. Victory for my people and for her.

Goodbye, I love you both.

Side Note: Ninoy Aquino has become one of my heroes. Unfortunately, I do not know much about the history of my country. There is a conspiracy theory regarding his murder. We have no absolute proof as to who had ordered his assassination, nor do we know whom was involved.

Although I have my own opinions concerning Marcos and he is the villain in this story (as well as the real life story of the Aquino family), I did not write this to cover the tragedy... I wrote this blog because I was inspired by his fight and his love for the Philippines. I chose this particular title because Ninoy gave everything he possibly could, with very few exceptions, to do what he believed was right for his country. He knew he would pay the ultimate price, his life, the moment he stepped off the plane and took his first and last breath of the Philippine air.

I am truly honored to share his story with you and I hope that I did it some justice.

Benigno Aquino Jr.
1932 - 1983
---------------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'Bayan Ko' - Lea Salonga
"Ibon mang may layang lumipad,
Kulungin mo ay umiiyak,
Bayan pa kayang sakdal dilag
Ang di magnasang makaalpas?
Pilipinas kong minumutya,
Pugad ng luha ko't dalita,
Aking adhika, makita kang sakdal laya..."

Ease the pain and humble me now

Three puffs of smoke
Breathe in deeply
and let out a lazy smile
I'm relaxed.

Stand up and open the door
What? When? How long?
Didn't realize it was the there
Old rickety thing
It creaks - and darkness

Room fills with bubbles
Tiny bubbles, hundreds of tiny
and I feel fine...

Pop! They start pop, erupting
like crystal volcanoes
and all the colors they're filled with
overflow like lava
I feel happy.

Reds, blues, state of mind - purple
Reach up, want to lick it, consume it
These colors fill my head to my toes
and I want to eat it

Red, it's shiny
I'll lick you, my lollipop
Sweet and sour

Cotton candy blue
I sit on clouds
Start laughing and giggling like mad
Bounce on white puffs of you

Spin, can't stop spinning
Colors run with me
Twirls and they start mixing together
Mix it like a blender, I'll dance forever

Purple stops me in my tracks
Purple pooper. Ruin all my fun. Pout.
Take my hand, lead me far away
Can't see any of the other colors
It's only purple
Wanted me all for itself

All violet, fushia, garmenta
You're lovely. Your beauty enchants me, captivates me.
Let me lay with you for a while...

Push me out the door
Rickety thing slams my ass on the way out, hurt like a bitch
Fuck you, purple
Shit assed prick. Purple fucking shit pooper.
Killed my fucking soul!
------------------------------------------

Side Note: I purposefully mentioned two songs in this blog other than the one at the bottom of this entry. If you can spot those AND my pathetic play on the phrase "party pooper," then I'll give you a cookie.

Song that inspired this blog: Good Times (I get high) - Styles P.
"I get high 'cause fuck it
What's better to do?"

School Daze

Tap, tap, tap
I hit my pencil on the desk
Thoughts crowd into my head
and I get irritated...

Tap, tap, tap
What did I forget?
Beginning to regret
leaving my books
10 miles southwest
of where I sit

Tap, tap, tap
I'm growing more bored
and start to ignore
the woman in my face
who started grilling me
when I walked in late

Tap, tap, tap
Wishing I could leave
Somewhere I ought to be
In my bed
and rest my head

Tap, tap, tap
Crap!
Heard a snap
What was that?
I'm still regretful
I broke my pencil


----------------------------------------
Song that inspired this blog: The Reeling - Passion Pit
"Look at me, oh look at me
Is this the way I've always been?"

Dyesebel

She wore bright red lipstick and curled her hair each night. High heels adorned her feet and only the finest silks touched her skin. As she walked the streets each night, men fell - by the dozen - at her mercy.

She didn't need to do much; just a casual glance or the flick of her wrist as she tossed her hair over her shoulder. She was truly and utterly beautiful, agonizingly so. That and the entire male population around here were utter morons.

Exposing inch after inch of skin lead to more and more idiocy. She attracted anyone and everyone; tall men, short men, fat men, skinny men, old men, young men, single men, married men... and some women. There had been a rumor once that she had even lured a clergyman into her web. Clever old witch.

She was a monster, devouring her victims like an animal and casting them off, leaving them in her wake. They were left, mouths and eyes hung open, in a stuporous state; pathetic nothings.



I was smarter. I was stronger. I was much more capable of overcoming this whore. She was just a woman, afterall. I've seen my fair share of women, everyone of them beautiful in their own way. What was so special with this one? It's not as if I've never seen a pair of breasts before. Whoop-dee-doo.

I'd never allow myself to fall prey to such a vixen. I'd just turn her right around, if she so happens to knock upon my door...

*Knock, knock*

I quirked my eyebrow at my door. 'Speak of the devil...'

I opened the door to see her in front of me. '...And the devil shall appear.'

Before I could open my mouth to speak, she lifted her dainty hand and covered my lips. She looked up at me with her big, brown doe eyes and pouted.

It was almost as if I had never seen her before. She had honey brown hair, with specks of sunlight and gold. Her lips were more full than I'd realized, beggin to be kissed and bitten. Her skin was smooth and caramel, I wanted to run my hands all over and memorize its texture. Looking into her eyes did me in. It felt like I was burning slowly from the inside out. Flames tingled within me in the sweetest and most sinful way possible.

She was absolutely gorgeous and I wanted her. I found myself breathless and enamored.

'Fuck. Me.'

I was screwed. But since I was already going to hell...
-----------------------------------------------------

Side Note: Special day for me. This is my first male POV. I've had to do a lot of research into the male psyche. I'm not pleased with what I've found.
Also, if you're wondering about the title, it's a play on the actual biblical character 'Jezebel,' for whom I'm basing this blog about. You wanted different, I'm going for scandalous! =)

Song that inspired this blog: 'Wikked Lil Grrrls' - Esthero
"You think you're my one and only, only?
Sophisticated Yoni told me,
'You gots to love livin' while you're living or you won't love life'"

Nostalgia

I walked down the streets around me, they seemed foreign and unfamiliar. It was sunny all the time and people were friendly; too friendly. It was eerie the way they'd always greeted me with wide, open smiles, showing off their overly whitened teeth. They were so white that they took on a slight shade of blue.

All of them looked the same. Tan, blonde, UGG's and North Face jackets. Normally, jackets and boots would earn a look of astonishment... It was always humid and warm here. But it WAS January. They all wanted to get that 'winter look.' What would be my advice to these people? It's January. I didn't think shorts, UGG's, and a North Face qualified as winter wardrobe.

I looked around once more. There were palm trees and sandy beaches. There was bright, beaming sunlight and crystal clear, blue skies. Not one cloud obscured the heavens here. Everything was perfect, too perfect. The people, the surroundings; it was too overwhelming.



I closed my eyes and pictured reality. Home. January called for barren trees in the city; slushy snow at your feet and gray skies. The people around you showed you what they always felt, impatience and boredom. I respected these people all the more for not hiding behind Hollywood smiles, botox and layers of MAC cosmetics. These people were hideous! It always looked as if they literally rolled out of bed and got up to walk the streets, shoving me out of their way, in a hurry to get wherever they need to go. Yes, this annoyed me often. Yes, I did curse them out and flip them off, but I did respect them. Thanks for at least being honest about it, dipshits.

Home wasn't perfect, obviously. It was a far cry from it. But home was real. It wasn't a wonderland with perfect climates, perfect people and perfect architecture. It was beautiful the way it was... Dirty, overcrowded and polluted.

I loved the people's witty remarks and sarcasm. I loved not having to drive, just to get to a grocery store. I loved its unique smell. I can't describe it... But it's a smell that's so uniquely New York. It was all real. I adored this place, as I always would...

------------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'Franklin' - Paramore
"this place we live
it is not where we belong
and i miss who we were
and the town we could call our own"

To tell you what I couldn't say...

IM's of the soul...

He spoke mournfully to world:
'my soul burns painfully
remorse stomps on my head
stupid stupid, my soul cries
heart beats faster
for adrenaline
all for what?
just to set myself free
when will it be?'

I ignored the voices around me and returned to him:
'wishing for life to be better
if fate has other plans for me
i know i could never hear his voice again,
but if he wishes he could see my words...
i'm sorry. i love you.'

--------------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'The Meadow Song' - Erica Rae
"i'll take the pain,
i'll stand the pain for you, my dear
if that's the case"

Side Note: The song I quoted wasn't an actual legit studio recording. It was a song written by a girl on youtube that I fell in love with. Youtube it! It's such a relaxing melody...

That Girl

Did you think you knew me?
Describe me, then.

I'm not sweet, kind or gentle.
I'm not caring, compassionate or loving.
I'm not strong...

...I'm weak.
I'm selfish, conceited, and bratty.
I'm cold-hearted, spiteful, and filled with hate.
I use people.

And for all of these things - I should just go and kill myself.

Did you think you knew me?
Apparently, you don't.

If I were all of these things, why would you even be here?





This is dedicated to all those who thought I was breakable.
----------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'How you gonna tell me' - Mya
"At least if you were gonna try and give advice
about my life,
have your own shit right"

Disappear Party Crasher

So what do you do when love dies? What do you do when something you had come to rely on for years suddenly fades away? I’ve recently learned that it’s possible that these things could happen. Love can wither and die. People can fall out of love. Unfortunately for me, Cinderella failed to mention this.

I don’t know what made this happen. I did everything as I always did. We talked, we texted, we skyped, and we saw each other once or twice every other month (we did the long-distance thing). I guess somewhere in between having my morning coffee and whining about rush hour, I realized ‘it just wasn’t working out.’ I realized I just don’t feel that special spark anymore.

I didn’t know who to blame for that. Lord knows I wanted to cry and throw tantrums to get it back but it just up and left me. No explanations at all. No, “Hey, nice doing business with you, but we’re looking for greener pastures and you’re just not doing it for us anymore.” The spark rejected me. I got dumped by a spark.

I had no choice. I obviously still loved him. I cared about him enough to let him go. I couldn’t give him what he wanted; what he had deserved. He needed a future, a wife, some kids, and a puppy. It’s like an equation.

Him + Me + an endless supply of spark = marriage, kids, and puppy

So some sparkage is necessary, here folks.

Let’s get back to serious. What do you do when it all ends? It’s unavoidable. Some things just weren’t meant to be, I know, but what’s the protocol? What happens after love goes? After you tell him goodbye? How do you make the guilt go away? How do you go on living?
--------------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'All I Have" - Amerie
"But your smile just don't seem the same
And when you tell me you feel it too
I'm not sure who's to blame
Cause I gave everything"

Lady of Stone

"Wait for me." He breathed in my ear. I turned around to him with a fool's smile on my face. I leaned forward to kiss him goodbye but he suddenly stepped out of reach and smirked at me.
I watched him walk away.

I waited hours and hours for his return. I stood helpless and alone while turning the ring over in my shaking hands, contemplating.

My feet were like cement. The gravity of his love weighing me down. I was obligated. I needed to - I had to wait.

He was committed to me. Right? I couldn't allow my thoughts to drift in that direction. No. We were getting ready to embark on our new lives together. He wouldn't - he couldn't betray me.




"Wait for me." He breathed in my ear. I blinked, snapping out of my daze, and turned around to face him with tears in my eyes.
I placed the ring gently into his hands, "no," and he watched me walk away.
-------------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: I could - Kimberly Locke
"Do you really want to give your life too
Thinking you found true love when it
hasn't found you"

Side Note: This blog was especially inspired by the picture above. I found it online. It says, "I will return to you," her lover said. But over time, the grass beneath her turned to gravel and her flesh turned to granite. And so she waits. The picture depicts a sculpture of a woman laying on the ground. I have no idea whether the sculture inspired the writing or the photographer was inspired to write that inscription but either way, this work of art is pure genius! I had to write this story.

Look Pretty

My face is - not pretty.

Though I am only twenty years old, my eyes are worn with age. There are many things... I wish I hadn't seen. I hold a blank stare - lifeless.

My nose is rounded and is flattened close to my face as if it fears its outside environment. It's bruised on its right side, a mark from my birth. It's almost as though I had already taken on a beating from the second I'd been brought into the universe.

My lips pout - the upper one slightly bigger than the bottom - and the ends tilt downward, etched in a permanent frown. I often marvel at my ability to crack a smile, if not only for a mere two seconds.

My eyebrows are imperceptibly furrowed. I always worry.

I see faint creases on my forehead - a sure fire sign of the wrinkles to develop, though I'm only twenty years old.

My face - is ugly.
---------------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'Cheryl Tweedy' - Lily Allen
"Wish I had blonde hair
Wish I had green eyes
So many things about myself that I despise
So many things about my life that I despise
There's so many things that I despise
So many things that I despise"

Summer Love

I want the heat you bring
Fill me
Beads of sweat form on my body
Caress me
It's unbearable to be apart from you
Touch me
Do you feel the same?
Want me
I'll wait for you
Need me
Come back soon
Love me
----------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'Crazy for you' - Adele
"My oh my, how my blood boils, it's sweet taste for you,
strips me down bare
and gets me into my favourite mood.
I keep on trying, fighting these feelings away,
but the more I do,
the crazier I turn into."

Purple

You grow in flowers,
settle in the midnight sky
With differing hues,
you paint the pages of this notebook
"Something in common." I shared you with him.
If I didn't know better,
I'd bet you were the color of my heart.


You're forever a part of me.
-----------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'Can't forget about you' - Nas
"Some things are forever, some things are not
It's the things we remember that gave the world shock
They stay in a place in your mind so snug
Like who the person was with whom you first made love"

To: You, From: Me

Dear Sarcasm,
You complete me. Let's never part.



Dear Cynicism,
Tone it down a bit... You're starting to scare people off.



Dear Heartache, Pain and various affiliates,
I could do without you. You take up too much space, you're abnoxious and frankly, I benefit nothing from our living arrangement.

I would greatly appreciate it if you'd vacate the premises IMMEDIATELY.






Sarcasm... still there? Let's have a lunch date.
------------------------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'Everything's Just Wonderful' - Lily Allen
"I wish I could change the ways of the world,
Make it a nice place
Until that day, I guess we stay,
Doing what we do
Screwing who we screw"

In Bloom

Like a flower, I'll stand and wait for you
to open me up
You'll come like spring and sunshine;
spreading the petals
And when I'm finally able to bloom,
I'll share this miracle... your beauty
with the world


But take away the cold winter
Please...
don't let it kill me now.
-----------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'Beautiful Awakening' - Stacie Orrico
"You had come to breathe life into my dormant soul
I was terrified
I'm not afraid anymore
Cause I know that you
Embrace my heart and I feel alive"

Windows

Eyes can peer into my being
as if there's a window to my soul.
I stand naked for all to see.

But it's a one-way mirror.
I can't see through to you....

So what do you think?
Do I - can I own up to your approval?

I'll take my fists and bang on the glass.
I want to see you,
right through to you.
Who the hell do you think you are?

When all the glass shards sprinkle on the ground,
I only see into empty space.

At least I'm a real person, whereas you
are nothing.

--------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: None of Your Business - Salt-N-Pepa
"Opinions are like assholes and everybody's got one"

Penitence

She stopped suddenly, letting her fingers grasp at the cold, rusted metal of a chain-link fence. Images of yesterday clouded her mind as she wondered, ‘Why?’ She’d made an informed decision, breaking two hearts while doing so. How could love come into your life, when it was never meant to stay? Clenching her hands, she silently willed the pain to go away. Blinking furiously at the teardrops threatening to fall, she spared the fence a look of longing and walked away.

--------------------------

Side Note: My entry for Six Sentences... I did a longer version in class that I felt much more proud of but this entry got accepted! =)

Song that inspired this blog: 'Littlest Things' - Lily Allen
"The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
the things are reminding me of you"

Side Note #2: JUST found a song that goes great with the entry. You have NO idea how much it bothered me not to have a piece of music attached to my writing... er, blogging.

Anonymous

If it lived, I would surely die
Its sole purpose, destruction


If it breathed, I would suffocate
Toxic fumes would fill my lungs


If it could speak, it would scream
Its bloodcurdling wails would haunt me eternally


If it were a color, it'd be black
Obscuring my vision 'til I could see nothing at all


And if it had a name, it would be yours…

------------------------

Song inspired by another piano piece: Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata

A Menagerie of Memories

A green polo shirt
A heart pendant with my first initial
The Q train
Avenue P
My bedroom
A black jacket thrown carelessly over the mattress
A gold chain and a diamond
An unfulfilled promise
A golden ring on my left finger
A text message
A phone call
One word: Goodbye
----------------------------------------

Song inspired by a piano piece: 'All myself to you' - Yiruma

Side Note: These are stepping stones...

Seven pounds

My Ode to food

You mock me with your presence.
You know I could never resist your decadence,
your sweet, your sour; the taste of you, even your smell captivates me.
Damn you.
I've tried to stay away, but I keep running back...
"Small, but frequently"? I chuckle humorlessly.
It's like one sip of wine, one cigarette and saying it's enough.
That can't satiate my hunger for you.
I need you more than I need oxygen to fill my lungs.
Come here...
I won't wait anymore.

-------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'Chocolate' by Kylie Minogue
"Hold me and control me and then melt me slowly down
Like chocolate
Tastes so good"

An A for Effort

It was Sunday morning when I was somehow awakened by the shrill ringing of my phone. This was an odd occurrence for me because I usually sleep like the dead. Verbal and even physical stimuli would always fail to rouse me.

Well, my phone had a particular feature which annoyed the living hell out of me on lazy Sundays such as this. Whenever I received a text message or voicemail, it continued to ring and ring and RING until I read the notification. Damned piece of...

Anyway, I very reluctantly pulled myself to the foot of the bed, where my cellphone usually sat, and looked with weary eyes at the screen. It said, '1 Text Message from Stephanie.' I made a note at the back of my mind to inflict various acts of violence on the child for waking me up on God's resting day. With a heavy sigh, I opened the text to see her short and strange text message: 'I am walking in the rain to save your boobies.'

'Huh,' I thought. I felt my face contort in utter confusion. I let my mind run one way and another. I could not for my life decipher what the fuck she meant. I texted her simply three question marks, '???'

I got a prompt answer in return in which she had explained how she chose to sacrifice her day of rest to do the Breast Cancer walk in the cold, fall weather; With drizzling rain. I thanked her profusely for saving my tits and proceeded to fall onto my bed.

I suddenly remembered something, pulled my weight back up and reached blindly for my cellular phone. I threw it forcefully in the air in an aimless direction and waited until I heard a satisfying crunch. I smiled to myself and went back to sleep.

---------------------------------------

Dedicated to the randomness that is Stephanie: 'Extraordinary' - Liz Phair
'I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho'

Split Decisions

Just one chance
Take it all
Win - to lose everything?
"Hold your breath"

Concentrate

"Don't let a single pin drop ruin what we have"
Risking the world
It's worth it
But the cost...
"You can't start over again"

It's over
No turning back

"You've made your bed, now lie in it"

Brave it all

"Your last moment... Make it count"

Heart stops
No breaths
Eyes wide
Stand, unmoving
Chest contracting


Anticipation...


"You've made your bed, now die in it"


-----------------------------------------------------------

Song that somewhat inspired this blog: 'Try' - Nelly Furtado
"...the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old"

To be a fly on the wall

I sat on my stoop for what seemed like hours, enjoying my last cigarette. I looked around at this miserable looking day. The sky was filled varying shades of gray and clouds pelted heavy raindrops on the passersby. I sighed and began to retire myself to a day filled with meaningless, mundane activities when something, or someone, I should say caught my attention.

I spotted a girl directly across the street from me. There was nothing significant about this girl, really. In fact, she was almost obscured by our scenery. She wore faded black denim jeans, a black coat, and held a black umbrella. I continued to watch her pace up and down the sidewalk. Perhaps she had been expecting someone at the bus stop down at the corner of my block.

My curiosity heightened when she suddenly stopped at the fence in between my elementary school and a high school. ‘Maybe she had remembered something?’ I pondered.

She seemed transfixed. I looked past her at the other side of the fence. It was nothing particularly special. These fences encased a playground for the children that attended the school. Beyond the fence, there was the backside of an old house. At the bottom of the other side of the fence, there was a slick, sort of cemented slab where people could sit, not comfortably, but nonetheless sit and engage in idle chatter until recess was over.

I couldn’t seem to recognize this girl, although her back had been facing me. ‘Did she go to the school?’ I wondered. ‘What was she doing here, out in the rain, looking at an empty playground?’

I noticed that her posture was now rigid and her left hand had clenched the rusty, chain links tightly with her fingers. Her head tilted slightly downward and I felt the odd compulsion to go and comfort her. She seemed as if the entire world would be ending and she was trying to make peace with it.

I saw, rather than felt, myself get off the stoop and walk blindly across the way to her. I’d hoped that she wouldn’t think I was some sort of stalker, but that my intention had solely been to reassure her.

I lifted my arm to tap her gently on the shoulder but before I could make my presence known, her head had quickly turned to her right. A bus had arrived at the end of the block, letting off passengers. She ran, not walked, in their general direction. I allowed myself some distance, but still followed her. I felt the strange need to see her off as a parent would for their child. I wanted to make sure she was ‘okay.’

I leaned against the wall facing the bus stop, appearing to any bystander that I had been waiting for the bus. I tried to appear bored, as if this waiting was an inconvenience for me, and tugged my hood over my head. I peeked up through my eyelashes at the girl, once more.

Her frame started trembling as another girl stepped off the bus. Her face showed relief, then concern, and finally settling on pity. I assumed the mystery girl had started crying. Her friend uttered a few words in her ear and held her closely in her arms. ‘Well, at least she had someone to comfort her.’ I thought. As well she should. I couldn’t help feeling a bit shaken at the scene that played before me.

I have lived my life without actually living it. I had little to no family, no interests or hobbies, no significant others, and no passion for anything. I lived my life enough to breathe in and out and sleep at night. I knew everything and somehow understood nothing.

Today, I realized that I hid myself away from anything and everyone. I let days pass me by again and again.

But here, I have seen first hand, a heart breaking. I’ve witnessed a person truly in mourning over some incredible loss. This glimpse of reality left me gasping for air and threatened to take away the life that I was so accustomed to.
I spared myself one last glance at the girl that I’d probably never see again. She was boarding the bus with her friend’s arm wrapped around her shoulders. My dead heart suddenly ached with raw emotion. For the first time in my life, I had wanted to play a part in someone else’s life. I had wanted to make someone happy. I felt sad, discouraged, and utterly alone as I trudged back up my stairs.

I threw my black coat across the room and planted myself on my couch as silent sobs tore through my body. Now, I was in mourning too.
---------------------------------------

Song that pertains to this blog: 'Angels & Saints' - Neverending White Lights
"Here in the sun, in the snow, in the rain
There is a voice repeating the same
Words about my life will end
Saying them over and over again"

Here, I sit down now
and empty, hollow voices
resound in deaf ears


-----------------------------------

This haiku is brought to you by: 'One More Night' - Stars
"The bed is unmade, like everything is."

Duplicity

I've always believed in love,
but love gave up on me

I emerse my thoughts in tales
Only to find them not meant for me
Love is cruel, showing me its heaven and its hell

The glory of first love...
crushing my feeble heart when it ends
Hell

My world once filled with skies of blue
is now filled with an unforgiving black
But, I choose today, love
to give up on you

-------------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'Lions, Tigers & Bears' - Jazmine Sullivan
"Why do we love love,
when love seems to hate us?"

Masquerade

They say misery loves company
but I hide it from all to see
...Or try to

Preferring to suffer in silence,
I cover my pain in fake laughter and smiles
...Attempt to

While I thought I stood alone
with my black umbrella in the lightning and rain
I turned around to see faces of my family and friends,
colored with shame and pity
They saw my pain,
gathered to witness this life...

Well, apparently, company loves my misery


-----------------------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'Careful' - Paramore
"I settled down
A twisted up frown disguised as a smile
Well you would've never known"

Opaque

Opaque
Pronunciation: \ō-ˈpāk\
Adjective

1 : exhibiting opacity : blocking the passage of radiant energy, especially light
2 : hard to understand or explain

------------------------------------------

Today, I sit here waiting for something...
or someone.
Not quite sure.

Everything seems so blurred now;
I'm not really sure of anything.
All I know is nothing.

It resides in me.
A deep hollow feeling
that won't disappear.

I've surpassed pain.
Gone straight to misery.
Nothing.
All I feel is nothing.
I'm unable to do anything
except wait.
I wait for this sentence to end.
Something... or someone.
-------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'Pain' - Three days grace
"'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all."

Masochistic behavior

I tried in weak attempts to talk to you,
I guess the phone rang unanswered in the dark.
I wake up, calling out your name in my head,
I guess you were too far away to hear me.
I left you a message today,
but I guess you won't see it.

Lost, heart torn in two.
I did this to myself, I can't complain.
I've lived this day once with you.
Once was all I could ask for.

I look down at the note book in my hands.
Filled with pages and pages of you.
No matter how hard I try,
I'll never escape it.
----------------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'Stay Awake' - Lydia
"Cause he swears he still loves you
He still loves you
He called, lonely."

Inner Banter, a short story.

Side Note: This is a peek into my ‘unique’ mentality. Since music is my life, every single one of my blogs will have a song, regardless of whether or not it actually relates to my writing.

Headphones. One item that I cannot live without! I’ve stated this already. Without my headphones, I cannot listen to my iPod. Without my iPod, I die. Again, humor, people. I won’t actually implode, although, that would be a somewhat interesting sight to see.

Headphones. I should have bought the more expensive ones. Instead, I got the ten dollar ones from PC Richard’s, thinking that they would suffice. I am a broke college student, after all.

Lucky for me, I have a spare set. I settled for these, in case of an emergency such as this, but I’m still frustrated. They’re pink. Pink and I have a love/hate relationship and right now, pink, I loathe you.

I want my cool ass purple headphones with the ear buds that I could discretely place in my ear and listen to my iPod while driving. Dangerous (and probably illegal), I know. I don’t jump out of airplanes with nothing but a parachute to save me, but this is how I choose to live my life on the edge.

I look on a website, in search some fuck awesome headphones, only to find that they’ll cost $34.95 (plus shipping and handling.) Shit, man. I won’t get to enjoy the vocal genius that is Ella Fitzgerald the way I want to. I want to have her belting out notes into my ear drums. Her version of ‘Misty’ is my addiction. It’s a sad, sad day when an addict gets cut off, cold turkey. As I’ve learned in nursing, getting cut off so abruptly as I have is fatal…

Damn, stupid headphones. You’re killing my soul. Next time I should spring for the expensive ones. I’ll go back to working as a waitress at that crappy diner down the block if it means I get to listen to the First Lady* with noise reduction.
-----------------------------------------

* “First Lady of Song,” one nickname for Ella Fitzgerald.

"...There was a quality to her voice that fascinated me, and I'd sing along with her, trying to catch the subtle ways she shaded her voice, the casual yet clean way she sang the words."
-- Doris Day
------------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'Misty' - Ella Fitzgerald
"Look at me,
I'm as helpless
as a kitten up a tree."

Beautiful Awakening

Rain. Small droplets of
water. Clouds filled with gray. They're
tears from God above.
Why does He cry today? He
misses His children.

I smile at this ugly
sky. I let the rain
caress my face, comb my hair.
I let Him know I
miss Him too. The sky opens,
sun shines again. He
shows His love to kiss my skin.

----------------------------------------------------------------------


Song that inspired this blog: 'Holding On' - Stacie Orrico
"My clinging to You
is really You embracing me."

June 26th

Eyes of chocolate
Brown. Smile like sunshine and gold.
Heart beating quickly
In my chest. Breath quickens. Wait.

Lean closer, eyes shut.
Lips on mine, heaven welcomes
Us in their embrace.

Eyes open, he speaks.
“I love you.” My fairytale.
Under the train tracks,
He holds my hand. First true love.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Song that inspired this blog: 'Yours' - Mariah Carey
"Never knew this was possible.
And it finally feels like my life has begun,
now that I can share it with someone."

Te llore un rio

Side Note: My first attempt at a haiku. Hope I painted a good picture for you. Also, I've changed the title from 'First day of Never' to this one for sentimental reasons. I must include another spanish quote that is near and dear to my heart, if you'll forgive my plagiarism for one moment.

"...sabes que tienes mi corazon para siempre.
Lo siento por todo mal que yo hecho."



Rain, gray clouds of gloom.
Picture crumpling in wet hands.
Tears in eyes, peering
At the rusting fence. I stand
Waiting for the end.



Song that inspired this blog: 'If i ever love again' - Tatyana M. Ali
"He was the song in my soul,
but now that song will never play.
And a silence now falls over me."

Looking for an answer

The only one I’d willingly die for,
but I’ve come to question you everyday

You’ve become a ghost
Still haunting me
Clouding my head with your memory

I sit here, conflicted and alone

But sometimes, I drop to my knees,
pleading for you to be real
so that you could save me
when everyone else leaves

I wish for yesterday,
when I didn’t know the world
and everyone was happy

They all looked at you with happy smiles
and spoke only kind words about you
They told me to believe in everything you said

I relied on you heavily,
pretending that you loved me and protected me

And when I needed you…
Where were you when my heart shattered and my soul burned?
Why haven’t you come to fix the damage?

I’ve opened my eyes,
not liking the truth I see
Whoever said that you are, lied
You’re not perfect

You’re a dream
A place where I could run to when I get scared and feel insecure
I’ve thrown you away a long time ago
But, here you are again
Standing at my doorstep
They beg me to let you in


Song that inspired this blog: 'Already Over' - Red
"Give it all to you,
Letting go of me.
Reaching as I fall,
I know it's already over now."

Side Note: I used the same song because this blog and the previous post are related topics.

Standstill

Last night, I had a dream.

In my dream, I ran down a dark corridor, constantly looking over my shoulder. It seemed that I was afraid of something or someone. After a while, I grew winded and stopped to take huge, gasping breaths. I looked behind me to see an eerie, incandescent light coming around the corner. Then I felt my feet begin to carry me away, as I started running again.

Suddenly two identical doors appeared before me. I came to an abrupt stop a few feet away from them. I felt my head tilt a little and frowned in confusion. These doors looked vaguely familiar to me, as if I had passed by them before. Somehow, I knew that one led to an empty, seemingly endless hallway. My instinct told me to avoid that door at all costs. But I didn’t know what was behind the other door.

I knew that I had to make a quick decision. I felt the strange light behind me, closer than before. Fear took over me. My heart pounded in my chest and I shut my eyes. My entire body froze in place. I was unable to move and found myself unable to speak.





And then I woke up.



I jolted up in my bed and my eyes flew open. I looked around my dimly lit bedroom and felt as if someone was already standing there, watching me.

Song that inspired this blog: 'Already Over' - Red
"You never go.
You're always here (suffocating me)
under my skin.
I cannot run away.
Fading slowly."

Truth in mirrors

Looking into a mirror
A reflection of fantasy and fiction
Never seeing the truth
Seeing only what your mind lets you
Pictures show the reality you couldn't recognize
What everyone else sees

Choosing to live inside the mirror
Ignorant of the world around you
Living with a lie
It brings a small fleeting happiness

Acting as a brick to your fragile glass
The truth would break you
-------------------------------------------------------

Song that inspired this blog: 'Fences' - Paramore
"It's obvious that you're dying, dying
Just living proof that the camera's lying."

Side note: There is an actual relevance between the song, lyrics, and my post. =)

Unhappily Ever After

She sits behind the wheel of her car and frowns at the traffic ahead. Having nowhere else to go, she stares out of her window and listens to the song blasting through the stereo speakers. The music keeps her distracted, if only for a short amount of time, from the numbing pain in her heart. She inwardly cringes, not wanting to remember.

As the second verse of the song begins, she realizes that it's twilight. Another end to another day. This does not bring any kind of consolation to her, but she cannot deny the beauty that this time of day brings. Dimming sunlight paints the sky varying colors. Yellow, orange, pink and blue. The night starts to set in as the bridge of the song rings in her head.

Breathing a heavy sigh, she swallows the lump forming in her throat. The setting makes her think of how she has lived from day to day. Outwardly, she seemed as natural as the setting sun. Doing everything society had expected of her. But inwardly, she fought against the pain that she had brought on herself.

In the confines of her bedroom, she would scream silently for an answer, an ending. But no mercy was given. No one would hear her. Daylight would come again tomorrow. She would brave the world with her assumed role, covering her tear streaked face with a mask of smiles and laughter. Only in the cross between day and night would her facade dissolve. And the world would see the remains of a broken heart.

------------------------------------------------------

Side note: This could be fact... or fiction.

Song that inspired this blog: 'I belong to no one' - God or Julie

"Everybody loves you, when you're how they want you.

Everybody hates me, 'cause I belong to no one."

Writer's block

I tend to have writer's block every now and then. I'm staring at the blank page and I'm thinking 'what do I write about?' I thought I'd start with myself.

1. In my heart and in my mind, most of my friends are family. I'm an only child, so my friends are kind of like substitute siblings.
2. The most valuable item I own is my very worn out iPod. If, for any reason, I don't have it on my person, I die a little inside. (Humor. I'm not actually serious.)
3. I believe that I have some unique qualities. That much is very obvious when I have conversations at home or with friends and people start to question my mental health.
4. I love sarcasm and I love to exaggerate.
5. Not too many people know this about me anymore but once in a while, I like to write a story or draw a picture.
6. I never finish any of my drawings or stories.
7. My life has absolutely no trend or 'daily routine.'
8. I'm beginning to question, is it really 'better to have loved and lost than to have never to have loved at all'?
9. I am a hopeless romantic.
10. I didn't want to end my list at 9.

Song for the day: 'First Love' - Adele
"So little to say, but so much time.
Despite my empty mouth, the words are in my mind."

About me

I'm randomly sitting here, thinking of something to write, with a pounding headache that came out of nowhere.