I sat on my stoop for what seemed like hours, enjoying my last cigarette. I looked around at this miserable looking day. The sky was filled varying shades of gray and clouds pelted heavy raindrops on the passersby. I sighed and began to retire myself to a day filled with meaningless, mundane activities when something, or someone, I should say caught my attention.
I spotted a girl directly across the street from me. There was nothing significant about this girl, really. In fact, she was almost obscured by our scenery. She wore faded black denim jeans, a black coat, and held a black umbrella. I continued to watch her pace up and down the sidewalk. Perhaps she had been expecting someone at the bus stop down at the corner of my block.
My curiosity heightened when she suddenly stopped at the fence in between my elementary school and a high school. ‘Maybe she had remembered something?’ I pondered.
She seemed transfixed. I looked past her at the other side of the fence. It was nothing particularly special. These fences encased a playground for the children that attended the school. Beyond the fence, there was the backside of an old house. At the bottom of the other side of the fence, there was a slick, sort of cemented slab where people could sit, not comfortably, but nonetheless sit and engage in idle chatter until recess was over.
I couldn’t seem to recognize this girl, although her back had been facing me. ‘Did she go to the school?’ I wondered. ‘What was she doing here, out in the rain, looking at an empty playground?’
I noticed that her posture was now rigid and her left hand had clenched the rusty, chain links tightly with her fingers. Her head tilted slightly downward and I felt the odd compulsion to go and comfort her. She seemed as if the entire world would be ending and she was trying to make peace with it.
I saw, rather than felt, myself get off the stoop and walk blindly across the way to her. I’d hoped that she wouldn’t think I was some sort of stalker, but that my intention had solely been to reassure her.
I lifted my arm to tap her gently on the shoulder but before I could make my presence known, her head had quickly turned to her right. A bus had arrived at the end of the block, letting off passengers. She ran, not walked, in their general direction. I allowed myself some distance, but still followed her. I felt the strange need to see her off as a parent would for their child. I wanted to make sure she was ‘okay.’
I leaned against the wall facing the bus stop, appearing to any bystander that I had been waiting for the bus. I tried to appear bored, as if this waiting was an inconvenience for me, and tugged my hood over my head. I peeked up through my eyelashes at the girl, once more.
Her frame started trembling as another girl stepped off the bus. Her face showed relief, then concern, and finally settling on pity. I assumed the mystery girl had started crying. Her friend uttered a few words in her ear and held her closely in her arms. ‘Well, at least she had someone to comfort her.’ I thought. As well she should. I couldn’t help feeling a bit shaken at the scene that played before me.
I have lived my life without actually living it. I had little to no family, no interests or hobbies, no significant others, and no passion for anything. I lived my life enough to breathe in and out and sleep at night. I knew everything and somehow understood nothing.
Today, I realized that I hid myself away from anything and everyone. I let days pass me by again and again.
But here, I have seen first hand, a heart breaking. I’ve witnessed a person truly in mourning over some incredible loss. This glimpse of reality left me gasping for air and threatened to take away the life that I was so accustomed to.
I spared myself one last glance at the girl that I’d probably never see again. She was boarding the bus with her friend’s arm wrapped around her shoulders. My dead heart suddenly ached with raw emotion. For the first time in my life, I had wanted to play a part in someone else’s life. I had wanted to make someone happy. I felt sad, discouraged, and utterly alone as I trudged back up my stairs.
I threw my black coat across the room and planted myself on my couch as silent sobs tore through my body. Now, I was in mourning too.
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Song that pertains to this blog: 'Angels & Saints' - Neverending White Lights
"Here in the sun, in the snow, in the rain
There is a voice repeating the same
Words about my life will end
Saying them over and over again"
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