Nostalgia

I walked down the streets around me, they seemed foreign and unfamiliar. It was sunny all the time and people were friendly; too friendly. It was eerie the way they'd always greeted me with wide, open smiles, showing off their overly whitened teeth. They were so white that they took on a slight shade of blue.

All of them looked the same. Tan, blonde, UGG's and North Face jackets. Normally, jackets and boots would earn a look of astonishment... It was always humid and warm here. But it WAS January. They all wanted to get that 'winter look.' What would be my advice to these people? It's January. I didn't think shorts, UGG's, and a North Face qualified as winter wardrobe.

I looked around once more. There were palm trees and sandy beaches. There was bright, beaming sunlight and crystal clear, blue skies. Not one cloud obscured the heavens here. Everything was perfect, too perfect. The people, the surroundings; it was too overwhelming.



I closed my eyes and pictured reality. Home. January called for barren trees in the city; slushy snow at your feet and gray skies. The people around you showed you what they always felt, impatience and boredom. I respected these people all the more for not hiding behind Hollywood smiles, botox and layers of MAC cosmetics. These people were hideous! It always looked as if they literally rolled out of bed and got up to walk the streets, shoving me out of their way, in a hurry to get wherever they need to go. Yes, this annoyed me often. Yes, I did curse them out and flip them off, but I did respect them. Thanks for at least being honest about it, dipshits.

Home wasn't perfect, obviously. It was a far cry from it. But home was real. It wasn't a wonderland with perfect climates, perfect people and perfect architecture. It was beautiful the way it was... Dirty, overcrowded and polluted.

I loved the people's witty remarks and sarcasm. I loved not having to drive, just to get to a grocery store. I loved its unique smell. I can't describe it... But it's a smell that's so uniquely New York. It was all real. I adored this place, as I always would...

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Song that inspired this blog: 'Franklin' - Paramore
"this place we live
it is not where we belong
and i miss who we were
and the town we could call our own"

To tell you what I couldn't say...

IM's of the soul...

He spoke mournfully to world:
'my soul burns painfully
remorse stomps on my head
stupid stupid, my soul cries
heart beats faster
for adrenaline
all for what?
just to set myself free
when will it be?'

I ignored the voices around me and returned to him:
'wishing for life to be better
if fate has other plans for me
i know i could never hear his voice again,
but if he wishes he could see my words...
i'm sorry. i love you.'

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Song that inspired this blog: 'The Meadow Song' - Erica Rae
"i'll take the pain,
i'll stand the pain for you, my dear
if that's the case"

Side Note: The song I quoted wasn't an actual legit studio recording. It was a song written by a girl on youtube that I fell in love with. Youtube it! It's such a relaxing melody...

That Girl

Did you think you knew me?
Describe me, then.

I'm not sweet, kind or gentle.
I'm not caring, compassionate or loving.
I'm not strong...

...I'm weak.
I'm selfish, conceited, and bratty.
I'm cold-hearted, spiteful, and filled with hate.
I use people.

And for all of these things - I should just go and kill myself.

Did you think you knew me?
Apparently, you don't.

If I were all of these things, why would you even be here?





This is dedicated to all those who thought I was breakable.
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Song that inspired this blog: 'How you gonna tell me' - Mya
"At least if you were gonna try and give advice
about my life,
have your own shit right"

Disappear Party Crasher

So what do you do when love dies? What do you do when something you had come to rely on for years suddenly fades away? I’ve recently learned that it’s possible that these things could happen. Love can wither and die. People can fall out of love. Unfortunately for me, Cinderella failed to mention this.

I don’t know what made this happen. I did everything as I always did. We talked, we texted, we skyped, and we saw each other once or twice every other month (we did the long-distance thing). I guess somewhere in between having my morning coffee and whining about rush hour, I realized ‘it just wasn’t working out.’ I realized I just don’t feel that special spark anymore.

I didn’t know who to blame for that. Lord knows I wanted to cry and throw tantrums to get it back but it just up and left me. No explanations at all. No, “Hey, nice doing business with you, but we’re looking for greener pastures and you’re just not doing it for us anymore.” The spark rejected me. I got dumped by a spark.

I had no choice. I obviously still loved him. I cared about him enough to let him go. I couldn’t give him what he wanted; what he had deserved. He needed a future, a wife, some kids, and a puppy. It’s like an equation.

Him + Me + an endless supply of spark = marriage, kids, and puppy

So some sparkage is necessary, here folks.

Let’s get back to serious. What do you do when it all ends? It’s unavoidable. Some things just weren’t meant to be, I know, but what’s the protocol? What happens after love goes? After you tell him goodbye? How do you make the guilt go away? How do you go on living?
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Song that inspired this blog: 'All I Have" - Amerie
"But your smile just don't seem the same
And when you tell me you feel it too
I'm not sure who's to blame
Cause I gave everything"

Lady of Stone

"Wait for me." He breathed in my ear. I turned around to him with a fool's smile on my face. I leaned forward to kiss him goodbye but he suddenly stepped out of reach and smirked at me.
I watched him walk away.

I waited hours and hours for his return. I stood helpless and alone while turning the ring over in my shaking hands, contemplating.

My feet were like cement. The gravity of his love weighing me down. I was obligated. I needed to - I had to wait.

He was committed to me. Right? I couldn't allow my thoughts to drift in that direction. No. We were getting ready to embark on our new lives together. He wouldn't - he couldn't betray me.




"Wait for me." He breathed in my ear. I blinked, snapping out of my daze, and turned around to face him with tears in my eyes.
I placed the ring gently into his hands, "no," and he watched me walk away.
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Song that inspired this blog: I could - Kimberly Locke
"Do you really want to give your life too
Thinking you found true love when it
hasn't found you"

Side Note: This blog was especially inspired by the picture above. I found it online. It says, "I will return to you," her lover said. But over time, the grass beneath her turned to gravel and her flesh turned to granite. And so she waits. The picture depicts a sculpture of a woman laying on the ground. I have no idea whether the sculture inspired the writing or the photographer was inspired to write that inscription but either way, this work of art is pure genius! I had to write this story.

Look Pretty

My face is - not pretty.

Though I am only twenty years old, my eyes are worn with age. There are many things... I wish I hadn't seen. I hold a blank stare - lifeless.

My nose is rounded and is flattened close to my face as if it fears its outside environment. It's bruised on its right side, a mark from my birth. It's almost as though I had already taken on a beating from the second I'd been brought into the universe.

My lips pout - the upper one slightly bigger than the bottom - and the ends tilt downward, etched in a permanent frown. I often marvel at my ability to crack a smile, if not only for a mere two seconds.

My eyebrows are imperceptibly furrowed. I always worry.

I see faint creases on my forehead - a sure fire sign of the wrinkles to develop, though I'm only twenty years old.

My face - is ugly.
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Song that inspired this blog: 'Cheryl Tweedy' - Lily Allen
"Wish I had blonde hair
Wish I had green eyes
So many things about myself that I despise
So many things about my life that I despise
There's so many things that I despise
So many things that I despise"

Summer Love

I want the heat you bring
Fill me
Beads of sweat form on my body
Caress me
It's unbearable to be apart from you
Touch me
Do you feel the same?
Want me
I'll wait for you
Need me
Come back soon
Love me
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Song that inspired this blog: 'Crazy for you' - Adele
"My oh my, how my blood boils, it's sweet taste for you,
strips me down bare
and gets me into my favourite mood.
I keep on trying, fighting these feelings away,
but the more I do,
the crazier I turn into."

Purple

You grow in flowers,
settle in the midnight sky
With differing hues,
you paint the pages of this notebook
"Something in common." I shared you with him.
If I didn't know better,
I'd bet you were the color of my heart.


You're forever a part of me.
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Song that inspired this blog: 'Can't forget about you' - Nas
"Some things are forever, some things are not
It's the things we remember that gave the world shock
They stay in a place in your mind so snug
Like who the person was with whom you first made love"

To: You, From: Me

Dear Sarcasm,
You complete me. Let's never part.



Dear Cynicism,
Tone it down a bit... You're starting to scare people off.



Dear Heartache, Pain and various affiliates,
I could do without you. You take up too much space, you're abnoxious and frankly, I benefit nothing from our living arrangement.

I would greatly appreciate it if you'd vacate the premises IMMEDIATELY.






Sarcasm... still there? Let's have a lunch date.
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Song that inspired this blog: 'Everything's Just Wonderful' - Lily Allen
"I wish I could change the ways of the world,
Make it a nice place
Until that day, I guess we stay,
Doing what we do
Screwing who we screw"

In Bloom

Like a flower, I'll stand and wait for you
to open me up
You'll come like spring and sunshine;
spreading the petals
And when I'm finally able to bloom,
I'll share this miracle... your beauty
with the world


But take away the cold winter
Please...
don't let it kill me now.
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Song that inspired this blog: 'Beautiful Awakening' - Stacie Orrico
"You had come to breathe life into my dormant soul
I was terrified
I'm not afraid anymore
Cause I know that you
Embrace my heart and I feel alive"

Windows

Eyes can peer into my being
as if there's a window to my soul.
I stand naked for all to see.

But it's a one-way mirror.
I can't see through to you....

So what do you think?
Do I - can I own up to your approval?

I'll take my fists and bang on the glass.
I want to see you,
right through to you.
Who the hell do you think you are?

When all the glass shards sprinkle on the ground,
I only see into empty space.

At least I'm a real person, whereas you
are nothing.

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Song that inspired this blog: None of Your Business - Salt-N-Pepa
"Opinions are like assholes and everybody's got one"

Penitence

She stopped suddenly, letting her fingers grasp at the cold, rusted metal of a chain-link fence. Images of yesterday clouded her mind as she wondered, ‘Why?’ She’d made an informed decision, breaking two hearts while doing so. How could love come into your life, when it was never meant to stay? Clenching her hands, she silently willed the pain to go away. Blinking furiously at the teardrops threatening to fall, she spared the fence a look of longing and walked away.

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Side Note: My entry for Six Sentences... I did a longer version in class that I felt much more proud of but this entry got accepted! =)

Song that inspired this blog: 'Littlest Things' - Lily Allen
"The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
the things are reminding me of you"

Side Note #2: JUST found a song that goes great with the entry. You have NO idea how much it bothered me not to have a piece of music attached to my writing... er, blogging.

Anonymous

If it lived, I would surely die
Its sole purpose, destruction


If it breathed, I would suffocate
Toxic fumes would fill my lungs


If it could speak, it would scream
Its bloodcurdling wails would haunt me eternally


If it were a color, it'd be black
Obscuring my vision 'til I could see nothing at all


And if it had a name, it would be yours…

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Song inspired by another piano piece: Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata

A Menagerie of Memories

A green polo shirt
A heart pendant with my first initial
The Q train
Avenue P
My bedroom
A black jacket thrown carelessly over the mattress
A gold chain and a diamond
An unfulfilled promise
A golden ring on my left finger
A text message
A phone call
One word: Goodbye
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Song inspired by a piano piece: 'All myself to you' - Yiruma

Side Note: These are stepping stones...